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The Rules for Guys
Sermon on the Mount (Bush Version)
Sermon on the Mount (Bush Version)
(Note: If you want to comment, you can go to the blog entry.)
George W. Bush has cited Jesus as the philosopher he admires
the most, and also claims him as his lord and saviour.
Jesus advanced many great ideas, and it is well accepted that
the vital core of
his teachings can be found in what is referred to as the "Sermon
on the Mount." In his inaugural, President Bush directly cited the
sermon as a source of American values.
Clearly, however, President Bush has updated those
teachings somewhat to make them easier to follow. Here follows the
text of the Sermon on the Mount, as perceived by President Bush.
- And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when
he was set, his disciples came unto him:
- And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
- Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of
heaven. For the non-poor back on earth, theirs is a tax-cut.
- Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted
if they be American, but even then to list the names of their
dead on TV shall be unpatriotic.
- Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. However,
inheriting takes too long, so those
who are strong and remain certain, even in spite of new evidence,
are the only ones who can inspire the troops, and thus can conquer
the earth directly.
- Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after
righteousness: for they shall be filled, though it is
OK to encourage a despot's subjects into rebellion with the
promise of your help, and then cut them loose.
- Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. However,
this applies only to other nations: for those who harbor our enemies,
there can be no mercy.
- Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
A little negative campaigning won't prevent you from
seeing God, though.
- Blessed are the warmakers, for while they may not be called
the children of God the way those peacemakers will, they can at least
rid the world of Saddam, and make it a better place, whether he was a threat
- Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake:
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
- Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you,
and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my
sake. Excepting of course in thy political ads.
- Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in
heaven: for so persecuted the vast left-wing conspiracy
the prophets which were before you.
- Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his
savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good
for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot
of men. So seek ye not contributions from the salt lobby.
- Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill
cannot be hid. So you must classify information that might
be politically embarassing.
- Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but
on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the
house. However, this does not mean you need to give too many
press conferences, that's too much light for one house.
- Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good
works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. But grant
ye not FOIA requests from thine enemies, who will surely
misinterpret what they see in that light.
- Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I
am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
- For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot
or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be
- Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least
commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the
least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and
teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of
heaven. Offer void in Texas.
- For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed
the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no
case enter into the kingdom of heaven but this need not apply
to future self-righteous leaders.
- Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt
not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the
judgment: Except of course in time of war or in causing
collateral damage while unseating a dictator, or if on death
- But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother
without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and
whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of
the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in
danger of hell fire. Of course, if one really wanted to believe
that thy brother had weapons of mass destruction then one can
be angry without them actually being there.
- Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there
rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
- Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be
reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
- Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way
with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the
judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be
cast into prison. Though not before any world court, where
only your people shalt be exempt.
- Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence,
till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.
- Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt
not commit adultery, if one is a Democrat.
- But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust
after her hath committed adultery with her already in his
heart, particularly if one is a Democrat.
- And if thy advisor offend thee by getting caught, pluck it out, and cast it
from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy
members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be
cast into hell.
- And if thy right hand offend thee even though as Secretary of State he
be the only man of integrity in thy cabinet, cut it off, and cast it from
thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members
should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into
- It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him
give her a writing of divorcement:
- But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife,
saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit
adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced
committeth adultery. But on second thought, this isn't
really the big attack on the sanctity of marriage, everybody
does this. What I really meant to say was that any effort
to marry people of the same sex doth trump all this in thy column
- Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old
time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto
the Lord thine oaths:
- But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it
is God's throne:
- Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by
Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King.
- Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not
make one hair white or black.
- But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for
whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. Which means
that if you swear to uphold the constitution, the lord sayeth
that doesn't really count.
- Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a
tooth for a tooth:
- But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever
shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other
also unless very sketchy intelligence doth claim he
has WMD, or if he be Arab and detainable on trumped up charges.
- And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy
coat, let him have thy cloak also. Ha-ha. Jesus was just kidding here.
- And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him
twain. Jesus is such a kidder.
- Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of
thee turn not thou away. Got you again. Jesus would never say
such Marxist things.
- Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy
neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
- But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse
you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which
despitefully use you, and persecute you; yet at the same time
you must attack and root them out, and attack those who harbour
them, and those who have associated with them. Those that curse you
in your own country are traitors, and thou shalt arrest and harass
them where possible.
- That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven:
for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and
sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
- For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not
even the republicans the same?
- And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than
others? do not even the republicans so? So if they
did not support you before, tell them how they are welcome to
do so now, and win your salute and love.
- Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven
is perfect. Or at least as good as your Father who was
- Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of
them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in
heaven, excepting during the campaign.
- Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet
before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the
streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto
you, They have their reward. Except, of course, if thou
shalt enter public life, where others may not vote for thee
if thou dost not trumpet one's alms.
- But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy
right hand doeth: much as it is within thine intelligence community.
- That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in
secret himself shall reward thee openly.
- And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are:
for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the
corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I
say unto you, They have their reward which is victory in an election.
- But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when
thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret;
and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
Except if thou doest run for office, and most loudly proclaim
thy faith as much as possible to attract the religious vote.
Then make all know that God speaks to you directly and has put you
on His mission.
- But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do:
for they think that they shall be heard for their much
speaking. It be well, however, in each speech to command the
lord to bless your country.
- Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth
what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.
- After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in
heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
- Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in
- Give us this day our daily bread, then let us transferest it to the Caymans.
- And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. Though the bankruptcy
code is probably a bit loose.
- And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For
thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever.
- For if ye forgive men at least those we don't label terrorist their trespasses, your heavenly Father
will also forgive you:
- But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your
Father forgive your trespasses.
- Moreover when ye fast, be not, as the hypocrites, of a sad
countenance: for they disfigure their faces, that they may
appear unto men to fast. Verily I say unto you, They have their
- But thou, when thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy
- That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father
which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret,
shall reward thee openly.
- Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and
rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: Though if these treasures lie buried beneath a wildlife preserve,
lay them up onto the ground.
- But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither
moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break
through nor steal:
- For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
- The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be
single, thy whole body shall be full of light.
- But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of
darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness,
how great is that darkness! Presidents are excepted for they
must do some evil things to help their country.
- No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one,
and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and
despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. Thus
though you might actually make the goverment more a servent
of mammon with a greater debt than any other administration,
it is important you claim this was not your intention.
- Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what
ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body,
what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the
body than raiment?
- Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they
reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth
them. Are ye not much better than they?
- Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his
- And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the
field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
- And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was
not arrayed like one of these.
- Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to
day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much
more clothe you, O ye of little faith? So it doesn't matter
if social security runs out of money, the lord will provide.
- Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What
shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
- (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your
heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
- But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;
and all these things shall be added unto you.
- Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall
take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day
is the evil thereof.
- Judge not, that ye be not judged. But if you appoint another
to judge for you, assure he will not judge as they did in
Dredd Scott, ie. as they did in Roe vs. Wade.
- For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with
what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Excepting
if thou takest away thy sister's choice, your choices shall be
retained to you.
- And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye,
but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Excepting
if they bother be gay, for that is an attack upon you.
- Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote
out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
- Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye;
and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy
brother's eye. This is good advice for the Democrats.
- Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your
pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet,
and turn again and rend you.
- Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock,
and it shall be opened unto you:
- For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh
findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
- Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he
give him a stone?
- Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? But if he asks
for civil rights, give him the Patriot Act.
- If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your
children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven
give good things to them that ask him?
- Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to
you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the
- Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad
is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be
which go in thereat:
- Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which
leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.
- Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's
clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. And this
shall be a great metaphor for your political ads.
- Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of
thorns, or figs of thistles?
- Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a
corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. Nor should such
be allowed to marry.
- A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a
corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
- Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and
cast into the fire.
- Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. The lord
refers to California here.
- Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into
the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father
which is in heaven.
- Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not
prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils?
and in thy name done many wonderful works?
- And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart
from me, ye that work iniquity.
- Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth
them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house
upon a rock:
- And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds
blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was
founded upon a rock.
- And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth
them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his
house upon the sand:
- And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds
blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the
fall of it.
- And it came to pass, when Jesus had ended these sayings, the
people were astonished at his doctrine:
- For he taught them as one having authority, and not as the
I'm Jesus Christ, and I approved this message.