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The Rules for Guys
The Rules for Guys
The Rules for Guys
High on the bestseller lists this week is a book called The Rules, a guide
to dating and courting for women which effectively advocates that women, in order
to snag a man, follow a sexist and manipulative dating game based on the
principles of 50 years ago. (Except that back then, the guys knew the
women were playing this game and accounted for it.)
What follows, in the same vein is a satire, The Rules for Guys.
First, if you're not familiar with the book The Rules here is a summary
of "The Rules" in the book, which you need to know to understand the
satire. Or do an Google Search to
search for web pages discussing this book.
by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider
- Be a "creature unlike any other."
- Don't talk to a man first (and don't ask him to dance).
- Don't meet him halfway or go dutch with him on a date.
- Don't call him and rarely return his phone calls.
- Always end phone calls first.
- Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday.
- Always end the date first.
- Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your
birthday or Valentines day.
- Don't see him more than once or twice a week.
- No more than casual kissing on the first date.
- Don't tell him what to do.
- Don't expect a man to change or try to change him.
- Don't open up too fast.
- Don't date a married man.
- Be easy to live with.
- Don't stare at men or talk too much.
- Don't live with a man (or leave your things in his apartment).
- Even if you're engaged or married, you still need the rules.
- Do the Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts!
- Be Smart and other rules for dating in high school.
- Take Care of yourself and other Rules for dating in college.
- Next! And other Rules for dealing with Rejection.
- Don't discuss the Rules with your therapist.
- Don't break the Rules.
- Do the Rules and you'll live happily ever after.
- Love only those who love you.
The Rules for Guys
by Elliot Feign and Sherman Schagged'er
(A satire by Brad Templeton, who in reality thinks both sets of rules
are silly, even though they've been known to work, and that Men are
from Earth and Women are from Earth too. It's quick-fix relationship
books that are from other planets.)
- 1. Be a "creature unlike any other."
However, in particular think in terms of "The Creature from
the Black Lagoon" (Universal 1954), a dark monster that
conquers her. Beauty and the Beast. Chicks love that shit.
- 2. Don't talk much to a girl (but do take her dancing.)
She only wants to talk about relationships and girl stuff anyway.
So take her dancing. They go nuts for this. Learn enough to
get by and look cool, though you won't need it much after you
have her hooked. In the meantime you can flirt with the other
girls on the dance floor.
- 3. Pay her way on the date, but expect to get back in kind.
Buy her a nice meal, so that she knows what she owes you in
exchange for the meal. In addition, if you buy her a fancy
schmancy $50 dinner at some ritzy place, she won't be able
to turn down your request for a $300 "loan" until you can
"get to the cash machine." Good investment.
- 4. Don't call her after sex.
Make her wait a few days. Girls do this stare at the phone
thing, makes them all anticipatory. Don't give them what they
want. Call her in a couple of days or if you get horny again.
Also, after sex, just roll over and go to sleep, even if she
hasn't had an orgasm yet. You did a lot of work and you're
tired, and you have important work to do tomorrow.
- 5. Always end phone calls first.
Especially if she's read the Girl's Rules that tell her to do
this, you won't have to worry about long phone calls. I mean
girls can yak so long on the phone.
- 6. Don't give her any warning about a date.
Make sure she stays free all the time in case you call. And
more to the point, keep yourself free in case something comes
up elsewhere, if you know what I mean. If you call and she's
not available, act real hurt, make it seem like you will end
the relationship if she does this a lot.
- 7. Tell her what she wants to hear (ie. Lie.)
You like long walks on the beach. You love kids. You like to
cook. You're looking to settle down in a country home with that
one special girl. You love horses, paris, chick movies, sushi
and Meryl Streep. You support her goals. Tell her you're rich,
famous, whatever. She'll figure out the more ridiculous ones
eventually but if you play this right you'll get laid first
and have her captured. Don't be scared to eventually talk
to her about "the relationship" -- girls go for this. Just
be sure not to believe it yourself.
- 8. Stop dating her if she doesn't put out by the second date.
Pretend like you're not super eager to get laid but drop the
hint with gentle physical contact. It is nice to date easy
chicks and all and get laid on the first date, but some of
the hottest ones like to wait a date. However, if she doesn't
at least give you a blowjob by date #2, #3 at the latest, there
are better investments out there. On date #3, remind her of
the "third date rule."
- 9. Tell her you love her.
This is the big corollary of rule #7. Don't do it right away
but definitely do it if she's showing reluctance on that
blowjob. Practice saying it like you mean it. As the old
saying goes, "Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that you've
got it made."
- 10. No more than casual sex on the first, or 100th date.
Definitely don't get too involved, as she might ask to be monogamous
or something. Make sure that you never let yourself get tied
- 11. Tell her what to do.
Hey, in the end they all want to be dominated. So make all the
decisions and see how she goes for it. If so, you can probably
get this to continue in the bedroom. No girl is perfect, but
most of them like to please a man so you can change the one(s) you
have to fit your needs.
- 12. Be the bad boy.
Girls love the "bad boy." They hope they can "reform" him, or
they're a case of point #11 above. Either way, you can be as
bad as you like. Treat her like she doesn't exist. Be
mysterious. Dangerous. Wear cuffs and a leather motorcycle
jacket, even if you drive a Hyundai. (Park the Hyundai somewhere
else and walk to where you meet her, though.) Remember, nice guys
don't get laid.
- 13. Don't let her know anything she can pin on you.
Girls like to get close to their guy, and "communicate." But
later, if you break up, she might try and get back at you so
for crissake don't let her know anything she could use or
spread to others. Invent deep intimate stuff you can tell her
in bed, she'll go for it. If you can't think up your own, buy
one of those books with Fabio (the guy from the "I can't believe it's
not butter" commercials) on the cover and be one of those guys.
(God, this guy can't tell butter from margarine and chicks swoon
over him? Something strange going on here.)
- 14. Don't tell her you're married!
For some reason they get really upset. When you take off your
ring, get some tanning lotion or put your hand under a sunlamp
to make sure it's not visible where you took it off. Or tell
your wife you just don't want to wear a ring; invent some sort
of bizarre hand disease or rice picker accident. Anyway even
the ones who haven't read the Girl's Rules don't want to date
married guys so don't let her (or your wife) know.
- 15. Be a pain to live with.
Well, this isn't a thing to so much try to do as a reminder
to be yourself. If you shack up, don't alter your own life
just to make it easier for her. One exception, which is
admittedly a royal pain, but worth it -- put the toilet seat
down after you take a wizz. She sees that and she'll think she's
found god's gift to girls, and she'll give you better sex
than a $300 hooker. Compare -- 5 seconds of your time each
day to put down the seat vs. $300 blowjob. No brainer!
- 16. Don't get caught staring at her tits or other girls'.
For some reason girls don't like it when we stare at their
tits when we talk to them. And they don't like us staring
at other girls' either. As if we have a choice! Anyway,
they're watching for this so don't get caught. Check their
eyes, then do your looking.
- 17. Don't let her leave your things in your apartment.
Or give her a key, until you're sure you can count on her
for very regular nookie. Otherwise they might try to insinuate
themselves into your life before you are sure of this.
- 18. Even if you're engaged or married, you still can play around.
I mean, do they own you or something? This rule is the most
- 19. Do The Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts!
Truth is, you're getting laid, and they are just jealous.
- 20. Don't give her the ring, but make her think you will -- or give her
a fake ring.
Drop hints and pretend like some day you want to be married
to her, but don't actually do it. You can even get engaged
if you want to lock in some regular pussy. There's no law
that says you actually have to follow through with the
ceremony. Plus, it takes an expert to tell cubic zirconia from
a diamond, and if she takes her ring to an expert she clearly
doesn't trust you and is a lost cause anyway. You can get one
of these rings for about $100 and trust me you'll get a fuck
worth far more than that out of it.
- 21. Double check the birth control.
There's a trade off here. On one hand you don't want to use
condoms, so get her on the pill ASAP. On the other hand if
she runs the birth control she might blindside you with something
annoying like a kid just to hook you. You decide. If she
gets pregnant, take the new "morning-after" pill for guys.
(It alters your blood type.)
- 22. Don't discuss The Rules for Guys with girls.
Like I need to explain this one to you? Do they explain their
rules to us? Thought not.
- 22a. Don't discuss The Rules for Guys with your therapist.
Because if you have a therapist you've really missed the point
of The Rules for Guys.
- 23. Figure out her romantic dream.
Almost all girls have one. In 90% of cases it's the knight
in shining armour, the handsome prince or the tall, dark
and handsome mysterious stranger. Harlequin Romances isn't
exactly going broke selling girls books about how a guy
comes into the girl's life and does something as simple as
fixing her car to make her life right and sweeps her off
her feet. You would be amazed at the "mileage" you can get
just by taking her car down to the shop. Though if you can
find a good mechanic, let me know, OK? Anyway, subtly
find out her own personal romantic dream, and play-act it.
On the cheap, of course -- you only have to play-act. While
she may dream of a billionaire who whisks her away to his
ranch in his jet, she'll settle for a $60 rental limo and
a $40 1-hour rental horseback ride.
- 24. Sometimes ya gotta break The Rules.
Hey, Burger King said it best. And it's a great place for a
cheap date (use $4 from the $300 she "lent" you.) But in this
case I mean you gotta break the Girl's Rules.
- 25. Do The Rules girls. Yes, you can!
If you suspect that some really attractive girl is following
The Rules for girls, take heart. I mean if she's a dog,
lose her. But if she's got a great set or you have some other
reason to particularly want her, you now know her exact game
and can use it to get her. The book tells these girls to
follow its rules religiously, even when they don't make sense.
You will have to wait 6 dates, but the authors do tell girls
over 30 it's OK to have sex, so they will. Forget young "The
Rules" girls unless you are really keen on virgin-plucking. You
only have to date 'em once a week -- if you date them Friday then
you are free as a bird on Saturday; they'll end calls and dates;
they won't call you when you have other girls over -- a lot of
advantages, and as long as you see past all the manipulative
"hard-to-get" tricks you won't be fooled, just laid.
First, you have to check if she's a The Rules girl or just
a stuck-up bitch. Sometimes it can be hard to differentiate
them. Test this by first telling her how much you admire
a girl who sticks to her principles, and then call her
Thursday telling her you just got front-row Orchestra
seats to the Boston Pops (a classical musical group) concert
on Friday. If she says yes, she's the stuck-up bitch. Say,
"Did I say Boston Pops? I meant Iggy Pop!" and dump her.
If she says a reluctant no, she's a The Rules girl. The book
tells them never to accept a weekend date after Wednesday. Rush
out to the bookstore to get a copy of The Rules. You'll find it
in the dating/relationships section. Since there is zero chance
you've ever gone
near that section before, ask at the cashier's desk. When you get to
it you'll know why you've never been to this section before from
the titles of the books. Venus and Mars Together Forever.
Men who hate women and the women who love them too much. Like
Dave Barry says I am not making this up. You're the only guy
in weeks to go to this section other than to laugh at the titles,
so if you're lucky some chick might even hit on you. But if
not, go buy the book, and then read it. It's short.
Now you'll know her exact game. Problem is, as noted, it will
be 6 weeks until you get laid. Be sure you have something else
on the side during those six weeks. But look at the advantages.
Other than those noted above, you'll learn that she won't bring
up crap like "marriage" or "kids" or "the relationship." She
expects you to bring these things up. Soon the book will tell
her to dump you. Track this, and make sure to start dating
another The Rules girl before the breakup -- 6 weeks before
the breakup if you can time it right.
- 26. Do The Rules For Guys and you'll get laid.
Don't forget this. You may be tempted to break them, to be
"nice" or "sensitive" or even listen to her. But everybody
knows that nice guys don't get laid. You want to be nice
or in the sack? I thought so.